Daisy was nervous, happy, overwhelmed, excited and blushing all at the same time. It was the special day in her life. Alex too was equally nervous but the glimpse of Daisy in her bridal look filled him with excitement and love. He felt lucky to have Daisy as his life partner. They were to vow to be husband and wife, love and sacrifice, grow together in holiness and be with each other through all ups and downs all their lives. It was their wedding day for which both had been waiting and planning for months. Pictures were clicked and all necessary arrangements were made to make the day memorable. The amount of love, joy and support they felt on their wedding day was immeasurable. They knew they were made for each other. They were blessed for a happy married life by the priest and all present there.
Two years later Daisy and Alex divorced each other for Daisy could not live with the carefree attitude of Alex who changed after marriage and Alex with the immature childish behavior of Daisy whom he expected to be more understanding. Marriage is a sacred and lovely institution that needs love commitment, trust, respect, adjustments, sacrifice and understanding from both sides. A search of Amazon will turn up more than 20,000 books on overcoming marital problems. Still, there are problems that collapse the institution of marriage. According to statistical analysis done on various demographic age groups, 41% to 43% of marriages end up in divorce.
If you are thinking that educated people from respectful families refrain from hitting their partners then think again. According to National crime records bureau, one marital violence act is committed every 3 minutes. Violence does not cause just physical pain to the spouse but it breaks the person emotionally and mentally hurting the dignity. Violence can be from any of the partner and due to any reason but it is morally not correct. Rebecca’s doctor husband each day would hit her to give money for gambling. He would lock the door from inside, play loud music so that her screams are not heard to the neighbours and would hit her with his belt.
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According to statistics Brain Research Institute, 41% of one or both partners admitted to cheating either emotionally or physically. More than this, 76% of women and 61% of men in India do not consider infidelity immoral according to a survey by Ashley Madison. Modern technology allows more people to connect than ever before thus enabling people to conduct extramarital affairs and even maintain secrecy. Nowadays there are apps and websites that enable married people to cheat. And there is no guilt about it. James believed himself to be a lucky guy having a beautiful, good hearted and an intelligent wife. He went into depression to know about his wife’s affair with his own brother.
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If one spouse is mentally ill may it be depression, bipolar disorder, phobias, schizophrenia, dementia, social anxiety disorder etc it negatively affects the other’s mental health and the relationship between them. The caregiver partner may initially spend a lot of time taking care of the other spouse and work hard to maintain the relationship. But over the period gets tired of this role as the partner’s own needs are ignored. The result may be the partner may end up retreating from the caregiver role or react in angry outburst. This can go on for years. According to World Health Organization 2017 report, 450 million people are affected worldwide.
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A relationship suffers when one of the spouses is going through a hard time. It also depends on how the sufferer is dealing with his or her problem. If the partner is always upset, talking about the same health issue all the time, is not positive when help is provided then it becomes challenging for the other partner to maintain a happy relationship. Their social and personal life is affected to a great extent. Linda’s husband was diagnosed HIV positive which happened due to infected needle sharing. Hell broke on her happy life. Fearing social stigma they kept it a secret but Linda was always worried about contracting the infection. Though she took ample precaution but over the period got divorced.
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Gone are days when all financial decisions were taken by the man, with women education and empowerment a wife exerts full say in the financial matters of the family. There are couples who constantly disagree on the investments decisions. If the wife is earning more than the husband then the male ego is hurt specially if poked by the society. There are men who demand money from their wives for their needs and women who just can’t stop shopping giving stress to their husbands to earn more. If demands are not fulfilled then daily nagging and venting out frustration becomes a part of life. Whatever will be the topic of discussion, each day, Julie somehow turned it towards her husband’s inability to buy a luxurious apartment. Her husband started feeling inferior and stopped talking to all his friends who had luxurious apartments. The topic of real estate gave him jitters. He somewhere repented his decision of marrying Julie.
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Jacob had an extravagant lifestyle. When he married, he thought Susie being a modern girl will adjust to his lifestyle of partying, drinking and free mixing with sexes but she turned out to be an educated strong lady bent towards spirituality. Jacob tried to change her but she having her own mindset did not mend. On the other side, Susie tried to change Jacob but he was not ready to give up on his lavish and fun-loving lifestyle. This created trouble between them. There are couples who are ashamed to go out or introduce their partners, find it difficult to talk to each other due to constant difference in opinions, are not physically attracted to each other leading to sexual dissatisfaction, have no common interests, are different personalities, do not respect others views, are constantly trying to change the other, are not supportive to others needs, have high level of ego that hurts easily, do not respect partners parents and family. Happiness is far away from such couples.
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A partner after marriage gives up on the certain aspects of previous life but may have personal interest and pursuits that do not involve the other. Strong marriages include intentional focus on unity but also a degree of separateness which is not selfish but mutual freedom to keep the marriage sound. It involves allowing your partner to cultivate friendships, pursue interests and grow as a person. But if restriction is laid upon personal freedom then frustration in relationship is bound to happen. Ruby a university topper struggled for years to convince her husband to go out and work. He threatened to divorce her if she stepped outside home for work.
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Being with a person addicted to alcohol or drugs means dealing with the person’s irrational behavior, sickness, lying, cheating and unacceptable social behavior. It becomes painful for the spouse to see the partner finally go down the tubes. There are other types of addiction like gaming, shopping, sex, food which affects the relationship and also finances negatively. Some of the couples divorce, some live with the issue for the rest of their lives while very few enjoy recovery and lead a happy life. There are spouses who force their partners to drink along with them turning them to alcoholism. There are around 29.5 million drug addicts and 240 million people dependent on alcohol worldwide as reported by the World Drug Report 2017 and WHO. Addicts fail to meet family and social commitments as a result the spouse suffers the most.
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Blame it on technology, work culture or stress couples who do not spend enough time with each other have emotional discomfort. It is impossible to meet the needs of healthy relationship that requires personal attention without couples spending quality time with each other on a daily basis. In this busy chaotic world of daily activities it is easy to forget the person you chose to spend your life with, who is the person who can make your days brighter and the road ahead easy to travel. True happiness in couples comes from emotional intimacy and correct communication which can happen only if they spend time together.
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Believe it or not there are people who have problem with the way their partners chews their food, snores at night, way they talk and think, cooks food or does parenting. All seek appreciation and chronic criticism and nitpicking lead to daily stress. All are human and make mistakes. But people change with time. If the partner is unable to forgive, keeps remembering the instances from past and plays the blame game then clashes are sure to happen between them. Not supporting each other when needed, taking each other for granted and showing lack of interest in each other can ruin relationship. Ben’s suspicious behaviour became difficult for Chelsea to handle. He would taunt her every time she dressed well, watched a romantic movie, spent time on social media, talked over phone or go out with friends. Chelsea cursed the day she married Ben.
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Marriage is the happiest day in a person’s life. It not only changes the status but also brings in a feeling of responsibility and togetherness. Love, trust, respect, commitment, adjustment and understanding are required from both sides to run this institution smoothly. Even if one of the two fails to acknowledge this bring in trouble in their married life. If not all but many couples face relationship problems that are difficult to adjust. The problem are related to marital violence, infidelity, mental disorders, physical diseases, finance, incompatibility, addiction, restriction, lack of time and negative behavior.