Relationships are important. It feels great to have someone close and important that is an integral part of your life’s journey. But did you know that it is possible to intrude into each other’s personal space so much that what might initially seem loving becomes quite stifling later on. Here is where the role of setting boundaries comes in. Read on to know more about how boundaries can help create healthy relationships.
If you find that most of the above questions resonate with your life situation, know that it is time to learn the art of setting healthy boundaries.
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A boundary is nothing but taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions. Most often we find ourselves taking responsibility of not only ours but also other people’s emotions and actions as well. This is where the problem crops up. A boundary is a line where you end and the other person begins. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that help us safeguard our mental and physical health.
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Setting boundaries is perceived in different ways by different people. In romantic relationships, it is expected that the other person should be available at all times, should offer solutions to all issues, be willing to go to any lengths, spend every waking minute together, does not need to have a life other than this relationship etc. It is felt that setting boundaries destroy the spontaneity and love in relationships.
Most people worry about who sets the rules? Can it change or will it remain fixed? Do both partners need to adhere to the rules or only one? Who would be that person and why? Would this give one partner an upper hand in the relationship?
All healthy relationships thrive on well-drawn boundaries. When a boundary is set carefully after taking into account both the partners interests, likes and dislikes, the relationship becomes more rich and fulfilling. It is important to ask for certain permissions, respect the feelings of the other person, express gratitude and accept the differences. It is crucial to set boundaries in romantic relationships as the partners tread in each other's intimate spaces such as emotional, physical, spiritual etc. When boundaries are clearly defined and respected by both people, the need to build walls around themselves and be on guard all the time does not arise.
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Relationships: It is not necessary to feel and express love for your partner at the same time. It is okay to do that when you really feel like it rather than mouth it just because your partner says it, so as to not offend him /her. It is perfectly okay to spend some time apart doing the things you both love as this would only bring you closer to each other. Pursuing a hobby or learning a new skill that is different from your partner’s taste is okay too. It is only when both partners evolve that the relationship deepens. Forced sacrifices tend to create gaps in relationships, first mentally and then physically.
Physical: Both the people have the right to find the appropriate time to undertake any activity. Forcing or demanding anything without the proper consent of the other person is a relationship destroyer. Personal space and boundaries must be respected.
Material: If someone has the habit of taking your belongings without asking your permission and not returning on time or at all, then you must lay down the boundary as to what is acceptable and what is not. By no means should this boundary be trespassed upon.
Emotional: If you have a friend that drops by at odd hours when you’d rather be sleeping, make it a point to convey this to that person in clear terms. Let there be no ambiguity. If you find yourself solving innumerable grievances of a friend all the time and getting drained due to that, make it known and steer clear.
Spiritual: If you find someone messing with your values or belief system, forcing you to do wrong or unethical things, take a call immediately and do away with the person. Your core beliefs define you and no one should have the right to tamper with that.
Mental: If you find someone manipulating you all the time and spoiling your mental makeup, know that this person is not right for you. Manipulation causes mental distress and can lead to depression and feelings of low worth and low self-esteem.
Professional: At the workplace, it is important to make a note of what lies within your jurisdiction. Let your subordinates know their duties and respective roles so as to perform to the best of their abilities. Similarly, your boss may want to hold a meeting during weekends or during some important family function, politely tell him that you would attend to it the next day. Taking on extra work due to the inability of saying no is another area that can be worked upon. Identifying manipulators and handling them with tact is also of utmost importance. Doing something that violates the company’s rules due to coercion by a colleague is not right. You must let them know about your ethics and values. Gossiping should be avoided as it could cost you your job and future as well.
Digital: Social media is an area where most people spend their free time these days. Online rules help in safeguarding relationships. Letting the other person into your personal social media accounts by sharing passwords needs to be carefully thought over as too much information about you could be exposed and misused by the other person. Asking for photos or getting intimate should happen only after permission is asked for and consent was taken.
Neighbours: Neighbours can either be a source of great joy or the perfect reason to get annoyed. It is best to maintain distance from the beginning so as to avoid being trespassed upon. Gossiping can land you in trouble, so be careful as to whom you let into your personal space. Asking for things can become a habit, so let them know what works for you and what does not. Expecting you to Babysit is another common issue in the apartment type of culture.
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Depending upon how you have been raised, your experiences, it may as be as easy or tough to set boundaries in relationships.
Self-Awareness: The first step is for you to identify your likes and dislikes. You must know what is comfortable and what is not. You must also identify what actions are likely to scare and/or upset you.You must take some time away to focus within and find the answers to your questions.
Identify your needs: When you’re done with identifying your needs from the relationship, make them clear to your partner. Do not hold back due to the possibility of an argument arising.
Use Clear communication: It is important to be specific while communicating with the other person. Leaving any ambiguity would only complicate matters further. For example, you could say “I can help you with this task after 11 pm tonight.”
Learn to maintain boundaries while still being loving: While expressing your love, be sure to mention how important the boundaries are for you. For example, you could say, “I am willing to listen to your side of the story provided you don’t indulge in personal attacks.” In the end, both of you should feel loved and respected.
Begin your statements with “I”: When you begin your sentence with “I feel that” or “I would appreciate it if, “ it goes a long way in fostering favorable communication.
Use the sandwich approach: The sandwich approach consists of compliment, criticism, compliment. The issue that you want to bring to the notice of the other person is camouflaged in between praise which is why it is easy to understand and abide by that without sounding harsh.
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Healthy relationships thrive on clear-cut boundaries. A person with strong boundaries understands that both partners need a right to their privacy and “me-time.” When boundaries are laid out and adhered to, though it might take some time for things to become smooth, it would lead to better relationships with greater understanding. Each partner would get an opportunity to grow and evolve whilst receiving love and support from the other partner. This would lead to the understanding that it is okay to not feel love sometimes due to various reasons.
When you begin to love yourself, you appear more attractive to your partner as you do not seem love-starved. Ultimately, only you are responsible for your happiness. Others can be a part of it but should not be the reason for it, as life is a transition and so are people. Setting boundaries help avoid unnecessary altercations and the resultant anger. Though initially, it may seem artificial, one soon gets accustomed to this way of life. Love and mutual respect become possible with minimal stress.
Maintaining boundaries leads to better and long lasting relationships. It’s like, you don’t step on my toes and I'll let you dance with me for long. This asks for patience and with trial and error, you too can master this wonderful art.