What are your main qualities as a couple? Can you identify the source of your hardships? And sort of what can or cannot be saved?
To accompany you, we asked three specialists to clarify the aspects to dig: Robert Neuburger, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, couple therapist and author of We stop? We continue? Patrick Estrade, psychologist, psychotherapist; Sylvain Mimoun, andrologist, gynecologist, a psychometrician and author of shared egoism!
When conflicts intensify, the feeling of being misunderstood strengthens, the resentment builds up, it's hard to know what you really feel. Feelings are the foundation on which our love stories are built. Let them weaken, and it is the whole building that falters. Hence the first advice of Patrick Estrade: "Do not jump to the conclusion, but advance step by step, without surrendering to impatience."
To start your assessment, we offer you these questions:
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The first is made of the feelings that two people carry for each other. The second includes everything a couple builds together: a place to live, a lifestyle, a common culture, a family-in-law, and also values, ideas, projects, memories. In this practice, we found that a person can detach him/herself emotionally from the partner but remain attached to the partner’s cultural side, to what was created by both sides. Having this distinction in mind helps to identify what is no longer appropriate for us.
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For the psychotherapist, being able to express affection and emphasize the qualities of the partner are essential elements for the continuity of the love carried by both sides and the pleasure of living together.
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It is a reality, observable by all: the communication is the measure of the couple vitality, of their intimacy. But as Robert Neuburger recalls, "the life of a couple is paved with misunderstandings".
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If the human communication is fundamentally complex, it is because we use two processes, which complement each other without ever being confused: the digital communication (the words, subjects that can be interpreted) and the analogical communication (the tone, gestures, body language). In the couples who get along, speech and mimicry are easily decoded. In contrast, couples who do not get along, misunderstandings and misconceptions abound.
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Added to these difficulties are what the psychiatrist calls the communication blocking( everyone wants to express their point of view while having the feeling of not being understood or not listened to), or even the communicational dishonesty (concealments, diplomatic lies, bad faith, misinformation).
To observe how you speak, we propose the following questions:
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The intimacy is at the same time a feeling, a space (the house, the room) and a time (the one that the couple devote in order to "be together").
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Being intimate with your partner, feeling confident, supported and accepted as you are, we invite you to study the concept of the good distance in the couple, which we summarize as: "Close enough to be moved by the other, far enough to be surprised by him.” And we propose these following questions:
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The place where we live reveals about us. The layout of its interior says a lot about the ability of the couple to produce a harmonious common space, respectful of the individuality of each other, but also suitable for children. What about your home?
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To unfold and strengthen, intimacy needs time. But in reality, the time that should be devoted to the couple is often sacrificed for the benefit of family, work, friends and entertainment. Patrick Estrade is used to telling couples that he thinks that their relationship should be thought of as a priority if they want to make it more harmonious, closer to their ideal. Is this the case with you? These questions will help you measure the gap between your desires and reality:
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In terms of physical intimacy, each couple writes their score, following their own tempo. Regardless of how frequent or how many physical relations last, only the satisfaction of each one and the ability of the couple to communicate about any desires. We offer you these questions:
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One of the difficulties: finding the common ground between duet projects and solo projects. We want you to think about it through the following questions:
After exploring your feelings, your communication, your intimacy, your projects, ask yourself these subsidiary questions:
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